Grandparents

The following is a post that was floating around in my head before I had a blog. One of the post that prompted me to take the plunge to blogging. A recent post by a good friend and blogger about the passing of her grandmother brought it to the fore front of my brain again.

About several months ago I was trying to get Melissa to help me with the dishes and I said "Many hands make lite work." I paused as I realized that was something my grandma always use to say. I turn around and looked at the title on my stove that says 'Beth'. My grandmother is my name sake and it was hers. I realized that I was missing my grandma. But then I also realized that I wasn't missing her as she was when she died. I was missing the grandmother of my youth. The grandma who was fierce, independent, and didn't take no guff from no one. Who loved deeply and could make anything bloom. The grandma who loved to cook and always had something good to eat.

My grandma lingered to life for several months. Unfortunately it became a point of contention among family members. There were those that wanted her to live for as long as possible no matter what and those who like me didn't want to remember her last moments as a fraction of the woman that she was. I didn't care to see her much in her last few days, although perhaps I should have. The memory that I like to keep of her as my 'last' memory is not the last time I saw her alive; it is before she went home on hospice care. She was in a transition home, she was awake alert and happy. Her sister was there and they were talking laughing and remembering soda water. That was the grandma I wanted to remember.

Missing my grandma made me miss my grandpa. They were inseparable in life and in death. This of course lead to thinking of my other grandfather. Though he lives part of me mourns the grandpa of my youth. The one that went camping with us and took us for rides in the '52 truck where we sometimes got to shift the gears for him. I lamented the fact that my husband and my children will never know my grandparents the way that I did. And I realized that there are grandparents that I never got to know in this life. Their spirits live in the stories that are told and retold from the memories of loved ones.

How grateful I am to know and understand that these people are not gone. And that I and my children will one day meet and love not just the grandparents of my youth, but my grandparents in their youth. I once talked with a co-worker who honestly believed that death was the end. It shocked me more that I thought it would have. All but a few of my close friends at the time didn't share my religious beliefs and I have always enjoyed sharing differing views. But deep down I think I believed that everyone believed in some kind of life after this one. Maybe I have always taken that knowledge for granted. It brings me so much peace and perspective.

Mia Part 3 The End or Just the Beginning

For the first few days it all seemed more like a dream nothing seemed real. But it has started to sink in. And we are as much as you can (which isn't much) getting into a routine. Its differently different with two and a whole lot busier. I can hardly keep the bottles washed, the clothes clean, and myself awake. But such is the life of a new mom.

The whole week after I was dying to know how Angel was doing, but wasn't sure if I should call. Finally after talking to another adoptive mom I called. And I was glad I did. She was fine. She told me her sister told her, she was our surrogate, and Angel agreed with her. It really has been how she has view this whole journey. 'I just carried her for you but she is your baby.' She made us pick out the name. I say made because it wasn't an easy process. What an incredible attitude. I am still in awe, of the strength of this young woman.

This experience has been so different in every aspect then our experience with Melissa. It has been so sweet. It was really fun to know Angel during her pregnancy and of course being there for the birth. I often would joke that we know how to handle drama but we didn't know how to handle the lack of drama. It was amazing to see how peaceful and uneventful the whole process was. I believe that it was due to a lot of prayers in our behave and in behave of Angel. Thank you for the prayers.

On Saturday we were able to be on a panel, with Angel, for an adoption conference where they were training the saints that work with birth parents. It was really fun to be able to share our story.

Mia is a sweet baby and is really good. Melissa loves being a big sister. I love to hear when Melissa begs to talk on the phone and the first thing she says is 'I have a baby sister. Her Mia.'

Well I guess that's the whole story; the beginning, the middle and the start of the never ending story which we call parenting.

Mia part 0.5

The Beginning

We have know Angel since we moved to Omaha. She attends the same ward that we do. She was already a friend before she became our birth mother.

Some of you know or remember (others may not), but in December of last year we tried to adopt Melissa's half siblings. It didn't work out and it was very very hard for me. You sometimes forget how difficult a failed adoption can be. We decided that since we had already done the hard part, and paid the application fee we would finish up our profile and get back on the "pick us" list. It took us a few weeks but we got our profile on line. It was weird but I felt very strongly that there was someone in Nebraska that we were going to adopt. It wasn't very many weeks after we got our profile done that Angel approached us about adopting her baby.

If the adoptions last year hadn't fallen through then I don't think we could have been in a position to accept Mia. And if we hadn't been trying to adopt again I wonder if Angel would have placed her baby for adoption. And I don't think that if we hadn't been here in this ward, and been so open about Melissa being adopted that she would have even considered it. The Lord was watching over us. Even when we things didn't go our way, He knew His way was better. I'm thankful that sometime He lets get a glimpse of the bigger picture. The glimpse that give us reason for some of the hard things we weather. Its plain to us that Mia was meant for our family and was meant to come to us through adoption.

But I digress. When Angel first asked us if we would be willing to adopt her baby, we were both cautiously optimistic. But being on the heels of the failed adoptions we were skittish about being hurt again. And it was really different knowing so early in her pregnancy. A new experience in our adoption world, and we weren't really sure how to handle it.

Here are a few thoughts I wrote on Sep 1 about the situation.
Sep 1
Its finally September. My mom was out two weeks ago and we did a lot of stuff to get ready for a baby. But now I'm driving my self crazy cuz now its just waiting. If I ever do get pregnant I think I would go crazy. I know how to wait to get picked but I don't know how to wait for someone to go into labor. A is so great and we just love her so much. I know this is going to be so hard on her and I hope that it brings some positive changes for her. She continues to be positive and she talks about how Melissa is going to handle things when the baby gets here and to bug us about names. Speaking of names after much heated debated nothing has been decided.

But I think both Kent and I are still leery. I think its because we have had so many tough experiences that we are afraid of getting hurt again. Its easier this time being close to our birth mom but every time the phone rings and its A part of us expects the worst. (Not that we don't trust A but there are lots of other elements that are out of her control and ours, and they have burned us before). When we first found out about A being pregnant and she approached us about adopting her, it was a wait and see game. But then as A grew more confident I had a hard time accepting it. I knew I was holding my self back to protect myself from getting hurt. I really struggled with it. I finally turned it over to the Lord and have been at peace since then. I think that's the hardest thing and one of the best things about adoption is you don't have control and you really have to learn to trust. Trust the birth mom, trust the Lord and trust that if the worst does happen you can survive. Either way I wish it were October.


As it was I didn't have to wait till October after all. And it was fun to be able to pick our a car seat and a new stroller. Angel even helped me pick stuff out.

Mia Part 2

By the time I got to bed on Tues I had been up for 21 hours, so I was a little tired. I stayed at the hospital until A got settled into her post-pardum room which was about 7:30. Then I got home had fast food dinner thanks to Kent. Melissa hadn't seen me all day, and we had a LOT of people that we needed/wanted to call. Most of Kents family didn't know this was in the works and Kent had a lot of fun breaking the news. I was up till 11 making phone calls.

The next day we took Melissa to the hospital and I got to get Mia from the nursery. I had the special bracelet. At first Melissa just looked at the baby and wouldn't touch her, but she was still pretty cute with her.




I was torn the whole day about what to do. Should I stay and take care of the baby? Should I back off and let A have some time with the baby? Should I drop Melissa off at a friends house again? I was constantly second guessing myself. As it was we stayed for a little while in the morning with Melissa, then Kent went to school, Melissa and I ran errands, and napped, and then I went back in the evening. My mom also flew in the night. Poor Melissa was dragged around quit a bit that day, but lucky for me kids are pretty flexible.

Thursday was the day for leaving the hospital and for signing relinquishment papers. By law you had to wait 48 hours after birth, which meant 4:14pm most of the time you leave the hospital around 1 but they were kind enough to let us stay until 4:00ish. Kent and I went to the new baby class the hospital offers in the morning. It was very awkward being the only non post-pardum women in the room. Then we hung out at the hospital waiting. You would have thought it would go by slow but on the contrary time flew by. Poor Kent had a long day, he skipped his first class, but then had a meeting he had to go to and a night class that he had to prepare for. So he spent a lot of time in a corner of the hospital trying to prepare arguments for his trail practice class.

Around four we all headed to the lawyers office, since the hospital doesn't allow relinquishment on their grounds. I wont lie relinquishment was hard. The legal language is very plain, and very clear, and it can be hard to hear. Overall Angel made it through surprisingly well. So did Grandma J.

Side note: I don't think I haven't mentioned Grandma J yet. Grandma J as we call her, is Angels mother. She has been SO incredible this whole journey. When Angel was pregnant Grandma J would reefer to the baby as Beth's Baby, and later as BB. She has been so supportive and so wonderful. She crochet us a baby blanket for Mia. Relinquishment was really hard on her as well. We just love her dearly as well. She is a wonderful lady.

Adoption is wrought with duel feelings. On the one hand you have been blessed with a baby. No time can be more happy and more exciting. But on the other you realize the sacrifice that another is making for you and your heart breaks for them, and tears come to your eyes. I'm not sure that anyone can truly comprehend unless you have experienced it.

And then we headed home. It was really happening. I was grateful to have my mom in town to watch Melissa since we were both gone from 9am-6pm. Poor Kent had to run to his class, but we had two dinners waiting for us. One from our ward family and one from my mom. (We ate mom's soup for lunch the rest of the week) Melissa was so cute as I walked in the door with Mia. "Awwww she so cute". My thoughts exactly.

Mia Part 1

Where do I begin? The beginning, the end? I think I'll start in the middle.

What a miracle adoption is. Few people in the world can comprehend the magnitude of such an act. The power of love. It fills my heart. I can not begin to describe the tender feelings I have for such a thing. That a person would love enough and care enough to give a part of themselves so that I could be a parent and share in their love. My heart aches for birth parents around the world. They are true heroes, and our angels on earth. To protect her privacy I will henceforth refer to Mia's incredible birth mom as Angel. And let me again pause here to say how incredible she is, how awesome and how much we love and will forever love this wonderful young woman.

Angel's water broke at 2:00 am. She got to the hospital and called us at 3:30 am. This was two weeks before her due date. I was sure that we had at least another week, so we weren't really expecting a middle of the night phone call. Consequentially it took two tries to roust us out of bed. I immediately went to the hospital and Kent continued not to sleep.

Angel was very anxious about getting an epidural, she had some back problems and was concerned about it. But around 10am she relented. After that she was much more comfortable. Modern technology is a wonderful thing. Then it was really a matter of waiting. We started to make bets on we the baby would arrive. I guessed 3:30, someone else guess 2:30. Then we asked the nurse and she said 7:00. We groaned. Luckily she was wrong.

Around 3:00pm Angel was complaining about pressure, the nurse checked her and she was fully dilated. It was time to go. The nurse got things ready and had her push a few times, then made her stop to wait for the doctor. That was the most uncomfortable part for Angel of the whole thing. Finally the doctor got there and 15 min later, at 4:14 pm she was born. She weighed 6lbs 7oz and was 19 inches long. I cut the cord. She had tons of dark dark hair. They cleaner her off and weighed her and did some assessments. I quickly called Kent so he could hear her first cries. Then they wrapped her and I got to hold her.



Meanwhile they continued to work on Angel. I was amazed at how easy it was for Angel, not that giving birth is easy, but from what I’ve heard for a first time mom she was incredible. The doctor said she torn just a little and put one little stitch in. The doctor said “it’s a waste of suture”. Once things settled down I called Kent and he came over to the hospital. He said between those two calls was one of the longest hours he has ever lived. I was outside making phone calls when he got there, (since I had NO cell phone coverage inside the hospital), and he literally dragged me inside. After Kent got to the hospital we finally settled officially on a name, Mia Krynn. And then Kent got to give Mia her first bath.



Being there for the birth was a thrilling experience. I didn’t really think it was gross or embarrassing or weird at all. I know it sounds cliché but it seemed to me to be the most natural and beautiful thing in the world. How lucky I am, I am truly blessed to have had such a wonderful experience. I’m so gratefully that Angel was willing to share that time with me, and I will treasure it.

This whole experience has been and continues to be so different from our previous experiences with adoption and with Melissa that we are almost at a lost as to how to act and what to do. But more on that train of thought later.