A Rebutall

I’m a slow thinker.  I believe that most people form opinions first and then figure out why they think that way or try and find facts to back up their opinions second.  (I heard that argument on a pod case a few weeks ago, but at least for me it’s true, at least part of the time).  I believe it is human nature to ‘go with our gut’ reaction and figure out why later.  That’s why we say “I agree with that cuz I fell the same way,” more often than “I fell the same way so I agree with that”.   We form opinions first and figure out why we have those opinions second.  But for me it can take a very LONG time between the formation of my opinion and me figuring why it is I feel that way.  And usually between points A and points B I try and keep my opinion to myself.  And maybe it’s just that I can’t articulate why it is I think that way.  I remember one time in collage we studied this particular case study for MONTHS, and I felt like pretty much everyone in the class was persuaded to one side of the fence.  Except for me.  But I couldn’t figure out why or articulated it until years later, not until after I finished collage in fact.   (Sometimes I wish I had a time machine to go back to some of those classes and be able to voice my opinion.)  And so I have concluded that I’m a slow thinker.  I also like to think that it’s because I’m so darn smart but that’s an arguable point.  However I have also found that the longer it takes for me to understand why I think or feel the way I do it is much hard to be persuaded me away from those views.  I guess I have the time to go through the arguments.  All of that really has nothing to do with the point of this blog, its just that I've recently come to accept this point about myself and so decided to share it.  

Someone had posted this article on Facebook weeks ago.  I read it and almost immediately disagreed with it but didn’t really understand why.  Lots of people left comments on Facebook full of praise and complete agreement, I've also see it in other blogs.   I didn't comment.  But it bothered me.  Why did everyone else agree and I didn’t?  So it rolled around in my brain for weeks until I finally came to understand why I disagreed with it, and here is the reason why.   

If you haven’t read the article take a minute to do so: but if you don’t here is my bias summary of it.  Basically she hates it when people tell her to enjoy being a mom when her kids are little because they grow up so fast.  She thinks parenting is hard and one should not be expected to enjoy every single minute of a hard job.  

 First I agree parenting IS hard.  But let’s take that for granted.  Of course it’s hard who ever said it wasn’t, was either a bad one, didn’t have any kids, or was straight up lying.  So let's all assume for the moment that we all know it’s hard.   Therefore I think she is missing the point.  If parenting young kids is hard what about when they get older?  Things change but that doesn’t mean it gets any easier!  In fact I’m planning on it getting harder.  Okay maybe going on a date, or getting my hair done will be easier when I don’t have to constantly wonder who’s going to have the kids, but all in all I think the stuff parents of teenagers have to put up with is far more worrisome.  The point that all those well meaning grandmothers was trying to make is:  Don’t Wish Your Kids Big! 

Everyone (including me) is guilty of it.  “When the kids are bigger then we will….”,  “As soon as the kids are all in school I will…..”, “It will be so much nicer when….”,  “We’ll take that trip to ___when ____.”   Everyone does this not just moms.   “When I get married…”  “I can’t wait until…”  “I’ll be happy when…” 

“Enjoy them while they are little” doesn’t mean you have to be giddy all the time, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't have good days and bad days, or get frustrated and annoyed at your kids.  But it does mean don't wish all those crappy times away either.  There will never be a time in life without crappy days.      

I remember before I had kids, I wanted so much to be a parent.  And now there are times when I miss the days before I was a parent.  We wanted nothing more than to have kids,so much so it hurt sometimes to think about it.  But I tried as hard as I could to enjoy my time with Kent before the kids.  We took trips, lots of them, we saw Japan, we lived in Alaska, we traveled, we enjoyed our careers, we played games, and we slept till 10 on Saturdays.  (And we could have sex whenever we wanted).  All the while wishing and waiting for the time when we could tell “fun” parenting stories.  Now when the kids won’t go to bed and we have to change our plans, and one of them pees all over the carpet and constantly wake us up in the middle of the night we think wasn’t it nice when…, and remember when we could sleep until 10 on Saturdays?  

The point is to enjoy life at whatever stage you are at.  

And maybe part of this is because I really DO enjoy my kids being little, even when they frustrate the crap out of me.  Okay I’ll be honest the enjoying comes after I’ve gotten over the frustration; but I do acknowledge that maddening frustration occurs.  Everything in life has ups and downs.  And most of the time, even with all the frustration in the world, I wouldn’t trade a day with my two kids.  This not to say we don’t need breaks of course we do; remember it’s hard.  But then again so is life, with or without being a parent.  But I love watching them learn and grown.  All of the excitement and enthusiasm that a two year old has for just about everything amazes me every day.  Who else do you know that is so excited to see what life has to offer that they literally run from room to room?  And so I remind myself everyday to enjoy them at this stage, and when they get to the next stage enjoy them then too.  My friend use to laugh at me cuz I would always say about her baby “oh that was my favorite stage”.  I guess they are all my favorites.

 

Moms don't have anything special to brag about just because being a mom is hard.  Life is hard.  If anything raising kids makes life better and for that I'm grateful.  Yes grocery shopping is another form of Hell with two kids in tow, but I rather put up with that than break up with a boyfriend, or watch a loved one go through a terrible sickness, or lose my job.  

All that being said I did kind of like her idea of Kairos time.  Like the other day when I had to pick up a sleeping Big M to move her from our bed back to her own and I suddenly saw just how much she had grown and changed in the last 5 years it was like her whole life flashed before my eyes in a split second and I was positively and completely memorized and amazed by it.  

Okay well that’s it.  That’s my rebuttal.  It far too late to post it to Facebook (too long too)  whoever posted it in the first place has probably already forgotten what the article said in the first place, but to the few who read this there you are.  And maybe I’m just a rambling fool here.  What is your opinion?  Did I miss the point of the article? 

Nebraska

Over Mia’s second birthday we decided to take a trip back to Nebraska. I loved Nebraska. Let me try and explain why.

When we starting looking at Law school both Kent and I wanted to go out of state. We would have stayed if we had the opportunity but I think we both wanted the law school, the adventure, and the culture of living outside of Utah. Right before moving to Nebraska was a CRAZY time. Within in days we packed up, moved, finalized our oldest adoption, blessed her, sealed her, quit my job which was crazy and stressful all on its own, found a place to live, and had a going away party. Through all of this, I never really had the time or the chance to sit down and process, emotionally, what moving meant.

I can still picture the exact spot on the road. We had been on the road for 2.5 day and were just entering the city of Omaha. Suddenly it hit me. We were not just going to Omaha we were IN Omaha. For the first time in my life I was moving away. I was going to be living in a city where I didn’t know ANYONE. And it was scary. I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. You know the one that you get right before you get up to speak in public, or at the top of a roller coaster when you are just a little bit scared. My stomach was at my knees and full of butterflies. But then the next day we woke up and got to work: moving, unpacking, settling in, living life, making friends, and exploring. And a funny thing happened, like on the roller coaster I had fun, I enjoyed the ride.

I remember the first few months of being there I was a stay at home mom who didn’t really know anyone yet, with one baby to look after, and my husband was in school. So off Missa and I went. We explored and found places to visit and to see.

I met some amazing people there, who we will be friends with for the rest of our lives. I fell in love with the hills and trees of Omaha, and with the wide open spaces and the prairies of the Midwest. But mostly I fell in love with the people. But one of the things I miss the most about Nebraska was my life there, the simplicity of it and the chance to be a stay at home mom. There were good days and bad days of course.

Of course we will always have a deep connection to Omaha because that is where Mia’s birth family is from and live. They were a major motivation for our trip. So we rented a minivan and off we went 2000 miles round trip.

The girls did really well for being the car that long. The minivan helped (I’m choosing to leave out the drama of renting said minivan). We didn’t make any firm plans but ended up with dinner invites every night we were there, and even had to turn one down. I was hard to balance our time as we knew it would be. We had so many people we wanted to see, and things we wanted to do, and wanted some time to be together as a family. But all in all it was a good time.

Kent went back to the law school, I went back to Fontenelle Forest, we played in the pool, we ALL went to the ZOO (oh how I miss the zoo) and to the big slides. We spent the day of Mia’s birthday with her family. Oh it was so good to see them and we wish we had had more time with them. We were able to have to time with the Journeys and many, many others friends. And all too quickly it was time to come home.

Pictures Hopefully to Come.

Plant eating children are better than children eating plants.

I know that every parent feels a great sense of responsibility for their children.  We are burdened with the job of making sure they turn out okay.  But I sometime think that because my children are adopted, I feel an even greater sense of resposibility.  Because someone gave me the most precious gift one can imagine.  They entrusted ME to raise their kids, to give them something that they could not.  And its more than just love because I believe that their birth parents loved them very much and continue to love them to this day.  And sometime I wonder if because I think this way and feel this way if I'm harder on myself then I ought to be.   

I'm not perfect.  So I screw up sometimes and make mistakes.  And sometimes I lose my patience, and sometimes when I lose my patience I lose my temper.  And after I lose my temper I feel horrible.  So bad that sometimes it can send me into a downward spiral of guilt, and pushes me to the edge of depression.

That is when I need to remember the plant eating story.  The planting eating story was something I read randomly somewhere, I think it was a blog.  The women writting it had children that were birth and adopted.  She related a story about her first support metting with other adoptive parents and how they were all stressing about the strange habits that their kids had and worring if it was because they were adopted.  She they relates all the strange thing her children did (that were not adopted) including eating plants.  She just assumed (rightly so) that it was just strange things children did.  And as adoptive parents we need to relax and just remember that kids are kids and not to stress so much about them being adopted.  I showed it to Kent because I thought it was funny and it became a running joke with us.  "Oh that's cuz shes adopted"  No we don't do this much around the kids anymore now that they are old enough to understand us.  But sometimes its still funny.

So I need to remember that even though I'm an adoptive parent, I'm a parent first.  Which means I'm a parent that loses her patience with her kids, whose kids drive her crazy at times, who sometimes wonder if they are worth it after all, and constantly worries if she's doing the right thing.  And its just because kids are kids, and parents are parents and sometimes it seems the two are incompatible.   

July: In with a Bang, out with a Splash

July was busy month. It all started with a Bang, the fourth, of course. For the 4th we went to the Murray parade with all of Kent's family. It has been many years since I've been to the parade in Murray and it was really really fun! I felt like a kid again. Melissa was so excited about going to a parade, she bounded out of bed, was dressed in 5 min. and then proceeded to bug us about why we weren't leaving yet. Kent's brother played commentator which was hilarious, and his brother-in-law was dressed as wheres waldo. There were lots of fun floats and tons of candy. Nothing makes it seem like the 4th than a good parade.

After the parade we went back to Grandmas house for splashing in the pool, BBQ, and visiting and having fun with family. I got a kick out of watching the nieces and nephew play in the pool. Plus I got my hair braided for camping. After lunch me and the girls headed up to Kamas, where we picked up my sister Lisa, and said hello to grandpa. Then up the canyon to met up with other sister and her family for a couple of nights of camping.

Camping was fun but cold!!! Both mornings we were there I drank a cup of hot chocolate. It was very pleasant, possibly because it was the only 5 min of the day I sat and did nothing. I can see why people would really enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning. It a very relaxing way to start the day. Melissa and her cousin play in the dirt, literally, but they had so much fun. Also on this trip I went fishing. I haven't bought a fishing license since I was in high school. We didn't catch anything but it was fun anyway. But I think I still prefer birding. They are very similar in many ways, they're both outside, with lots of boring parts followed by exciting parts. But the bird boring parts are more fun to me the than fishing boring parts.

Although I didn't catch any fish my little nephew did. And of course as adults we had to capture the perfect picture....

Monday we got up and broke camp which took forever. (BTW if any of you are wondering camping with two kids is a lot of work). Then headed to Grandpas house in Kamas where we washed one or two layers of dirt and grim off the kids and some clothes, because we were headed to the Oakley Rodeo. I love the Oakley Rodeo. The kids were surprisingly good and so were the cowboys. Melissa wanted to stay for the fireworks of course.

Well the fireworks didn't end till well after 10 and its a long way home, so Tues morning came very early, but off we went again. Tues Melissa went to dance class with Aunt Krisi then up to Ogden with Aunt Krisi where we went to the children’s museum and the dinosaur park. The Wed we headed down to Cedar City with Aunt Krissy and her kids.

In Cedar City we met one of my best friends I haven't seen since she got married, played in the pool, and watched Court do some gymnastics. Once home again it was time to rest and catch up on laundry but not for long because the next week my brother and his wife were in town. So we went camping with them. Missa decided that Brooke (my newest sister) was where it was at. Poor Brooke had a shadow. Andrew and Brooke may have wanted some alone time but every time they turned around Missa was right there.

I was looking forward to my hot chocolate routine, but this time by the time I got up and dressed, out of the tent, and had hot water, it was just too hot to enjoy it as much. Oh well.

By the time we got home from that camping trip I was ready to stay put for awhile. And the BAR exam was looming very near. Kent was hitting the books hard and was stressing. With Kent gone so much it was easy to get restless around the house so we played in the pool. And one day I took the kids on the train downtown. We wondered temple square, played in the fountains at the gateway, and went to the church history museum. And then we bought a few fireworks to shoot off on the 24th of July.

And then Kent took the BAR. Yiks. He survived. And no we won’t know how he did for quite awhile.

And what’s a better way to celebrate the completion of the BAR exam than going to Cherry Hill with Kents family? It was awesome, and I only got a little sunburned. We had a great time.

Also in July Mia learned to crawl, and got another tooth.

This takes way too long to upload pictures. So for the rest go to www.kentandbeth.phanfare.com