A Rebutall

I’m a slow thinker.  I believe that most people form opinions first and then figure out why they think that way or try and find facts to back up their opinions second.  (I heard that argument on a pod case a few weeks ago, but at least for me it’s true, at least part of the time).  I believe it is human nature to ‘go with our gut’ reaction and figure out why later.  That’s why we say “I agree with that cuz I fell the same way,” more often than “I fell the same way so I agree with that”.   We form opinions first and figure out why we have those opinions second.  But for me it can take a very LONG time between the formation of my opinion and me figuring why it is I feel that way.  And usually between points A and points B I try and keep my opinion to myself.  And maybe it’s just that I can’t articulate why it is I think that way.  I remember one time in collage we studied this particular case study for MONTHS, and I felt like pretty much everyone in the class was persuaded to one side of the fence.  Except for me.  But I couldn’t figure out why or articulated it until years later, not until after I finished collage in fact.   (Sometimes I wish I had a time machine to go back to some of those classes and be able to voice my opinion.)  And so I have concluded that I’m a slow thinker.  I also like to think that it’s because I’m so darn smart but that’s an arguable point.  However I have also found that the longer it takes for me to understand why I think or feel the way I do it is much hard to be persuaded me away from those views.  I guess I have the time to go through the arguments.  All of that really has nothing to do with the point of this blog, its just that I've recently come to accept this point about myself and so decided to share it.  

Someone had posted this article on Facebook weeks ago.  I read it and almost immediately disagreed with it but didn’t really understand why.  Lots of people left comments on Facebook full of praise and complete agreement, I've also see it in other blogs.   I didn't comment.  But it bothered me.  Why did everyone else agree and I didn’t?  So it rolled around in my brain for weeks until I finally came to understand why I disagreed with it, and here is the reason why.   

If you haven’t read the article take a minute to do so: but if you don’t here is my bias summary of it.  Basically she hates it when people tell her to enjoy being a mom when her kids are little because they grow up so fast.  She thinks parenting is hard and one should not be expected to enjoy every single minute of a hard job.  

 First I agree parenting IS hard.  But let’s take that for granted.  Of course it’s hard who ever said it wasn’t, was either a bad one, didn’t have any kids, or was straight up lying.  So let's all assume for the moment that we all know it’s hard.   Therefore I think she is missing the point.  If parenting young kids is hard what about when they get older?  Things change but that doesn’t mean it gets any easier!  In fact I’m planning on it getting harder.  Okay maybe going on a date, or getting my hair done will be easier when I don’t have to constantly wonder who’s going to have the kids, but all in all I think the stuff parents of teenagers have to put up with is far more worrisome.  The point that all those well meaning grandmothers was trying to make is:  Don’t Wish Your Kids Big! 

Everyone (including me) is guilty of it.  “When the kids are bigger then we will….”,  “As soon as the kids are all in school I will…..”, “It will be so much nicer when….”,  “We’ll take that trip to ___when ____.”   Everyone does this not just moms.   “When I get married…”  “I can’t wait until…”  “I’ll be happy when…” 

“Enjoy them while they are little” doesn’t mean you have to be giddy all the time, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't have good days and bad days, or get frustrated and annoyed at your kids.  But it does mean don't wish all those crappy times away either.  There will never be a time in life without crappy days.      

I remember before I had kids, I wanted so much to be a parent.  And now there are times when I miss the days before I was a parent.  We wanted nothing more than to have kids,so much so it hurt sometimes to think about it.  But I tried as hard as I could to enjoy my time with Kent before the kids.  We took trips, lots of them, we saw Japan, we lived in Alaska, we traveled, we enjoyed our careers, we played games, and we slept till 10 on Saturdays.  (And we could have sex whenever we wanted).  All the while wishing and waiting for the time when we could tell “fun” parenting stories.  Now when the kids won’t go to bed and we have to change our plans, and one of them pees all over the carpet and constantly wake us up in the middle of the night we think wasn’t it nice when…, and remember when we could sleep until 10 on Saturdays?  

The point is to enjoy life at whatever stage you are at.  

And maybe part of this is because I really DO enjoy my kids being little, even when they frustrate the crap out of me.  Okay I’ll be honest the enjoying comes after I’ve gotten over the frustration; but I do acknowledge that maddening frustration occurs.  Everything in life has ups and downs.  And most of the time, even with all the frustration in the world, I wouldn’t trade a day with my two kids.  This not to say we don’t need breaks of course we do; remember it’s hard.  But then again so is life, with or without being a parent.  But I love watching them learn and grown.  All of the excitement and enthusiasm that a two year old has for just about everything amazes me every day.  Who else do you know that is so excited to see what life has to offer that they literally run from room to room?  And so I remind myself everyday to enjoy them at this stage, and when they get to the next stage enjoy them then too.  My friend use to laugh at me cuz I would always say about her baby “oh that was my favorite stage”.  I guess they are all my favorites.

 

Moms don't have anything special to brag about just because being a mom is hard.  Life is hard.  If anything raising kids makes life better and for that I'm grateful.  Yes grocery shopping is another form of Hell with two kids in tow, but I rather put up with that than break up with a boyfriend, or watch a loved one go through a terrible sickness, or lose my job.  

All that being said I did kind of like her idea of Kairos time.  Like the other day when I had to pick up a sleeping Big M to move her from our bed back to her own and I suddenly saw just how much she had grown and changed in the last 5 years it was like her whole life flashed before my eyes in a split second and I was positively and completely memorized and amazed by it.  

Okay well that’s it.  That’s my rebuttal.  It far too late to post it to Facebook (too long too)  whoever posted it in the first place has probably already forgotten what the article said in the first place, but to the few who read this there you are.  And maybe I’m just a rambling fool here.  What is your opinion?  Did I miss the point of the article? 

Big M's Birth Story Part Two

January 20th 

The Phone Call

(*I'm posting this in reverse order so it reads start to finish so make sure you read part one first)

It was a Saturday a week to the day after my grandmothers funeral, which is forever ingrained in my head.  We had decided to go to the temple.  We were trying to met up with Dad C at a ridiculous early time of the morning, at the temple.  We didn’t quit make it in time to find Dad but we did have an enjoyable time.  I remember feeling such peace that day.  I knew that day without a doubt that I had a father in heaven who loved me and who know my heart ache.  He told me that day that I would be a mother one day and that I just had to be a little bit more patient, to trust in his timeline and not my own.  Walking out of the temple that morning I felt for the first time true Love for K.  I know I could once again pray for her, love her, have compassion for her, and that no matter what happened I would love her.  

After the session I talked Kent into eating breakfast at the temple.  When we got to the car it was like 8 am I remembering thinking I ought to turn on the cell phone but decided against it since we were usually not even out of bed by 8 am on a Sat morning.  Then we decided to take the scenic route home, up and over traverse mountain.  Still the one and only time I’ve been up there.  When we got home (maybe by 9, still we were not usually out of bed by this time) we walk in the door and there were 4 messages on a answering machine.  The first was from P. (our case worker), Kent was dialing her number before the message ended.  The next 3 messages were from family members trying to find us.  There were 10 messages on the cell phone.  Within minutes of being home my sister was at the door, sent there by my mother to try and locate us.  The agency in a panic to try and find us had called everyone on the roster, including a former bishop, and the temple.  Well P said we have a baby but there are some “legal issues” to work through so STAY BY YOUR PHONE.  After 4 weeks of waiting we had no idea what legal issues meant (Kent has a far better understanding now).  So we calmed everyone down and downplayed everything.  (family to this point still didn’t know everything we had been going through).  I can still remember Kent talking to his mom who was so frazzled she was scrubbing the kitchen floor.  Kent and I on the other hand were still riding the high from the temple and were remarkable calm and cool.  Taking it all in stride as they say.  So Kent ran an errand. 

About an hour later P calls back and simply says come pick up your baby girl.  THAT was THE phone call, you know the one when I start to panic.  I frantically open the box to the car seat and tried very unsuccessfully to read directions, I threw a  load of baby clothes in the wash, and wore a hole in the carpet from pacing.  We drove to the agency and they took us back to a room.  And then my precious baby girls was placed in my arms.  Tears of joy were shared by many.  P was there as well as K’s case worker and the SL agency director.  These women, who must have thought as we did that perhaps things may not work on for us this time, did not give up on K.  They were there for K when she needed someone, and their dedication helped to bring our baby to us.  After a few minutes I handed her to Kent.  Then she smiled.  I know its just the gassy smiles but everyone else in the room cooed and said she knew she was home.  She always has been a daddy’s girl.  

As we walked out of the agency that day Kent said “what about Melissa Faith”, I said “But you didn’t like the name Melissa.”  So around and around went the name talk again.  We took her home and realized we had no bottles.  So Kent left to go buy some.  Then the power went out.  I remember sitting on our couch in the semi darkness with Melissa  in my arms and thinking holy cow now what do I do?  We spent the rest of the afternoon, at the request of the agency,  at an instacare getting her checked out.  She seemed fine.  Then we got to surprise the grandmas.  Kent’s mom wasn’t home but quickly got there from a neighbors house to met her newest grandbaby.  My brother was pulling out and turned the car around when we told him there was someone he might want to met.  

By the time we left my moms house it was late at night and we had been up since the ridiculous hour of the morning.  So when M cried from midnight till 6 am it made for three very exhausted people.  Sunday was a whirl wind.  I called my boss to tell him I couldn’t come in on Monday, or for the next three months.  I remember as I was leaving work that Friday feeling like I had so much I needed to get done on Monday, and writing a sticky note of things that had to get done.  More phone calls went out to ward members, friends and family.  People stopped by, we put together the rocking chair we had, finally were able to dry the clothes I had throw in the wash the day before, and we gave Melissa a bath.  Sunday evening Kent sat down to begin the first of many letters that would be written to K.  As Kent was typing the letter he came out and said she was definitely a Melissa.  And that is the story of how Melissa Faith, became a Cottam.

Happy Adoption Day Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Four years ago today I held you in my arms for the first time.  I will never forget that day, the anxiety, the adrenaline, the joy, and the tears.  Words can not accurately describe the emotions of that day.  I am still amazed by the fact that it has been 4 years.  You continue to amaze me everyday. Here are a few things I want to remember about you the year you turned 4.  You definitely have your fathers sense of humor, and you make me laugh all the time, even though sometime you get embarrassed when I think your funny.  You are growing up everyday.  I year a go you were a new big sister and I loved to watch to make your baby laugh and smile.  It surprises me how much you have grown up and changed in the last year.  You speak so clearly now.  Gone are all the cute baby words you use to say.  This year you started pre-school and while it was my idea to begin with I was surprised by how hesitate I was.  I know you love to learn and you are so good at it.  But I wanted to keep you close.  I no longer have total control over what happens in your day and the thought is thrilling and frightening at the same time.  You also had your first dance recital this year.  You were so CUTE!  I was so excited to see your first time dancing on stage.   I loved every minute of it.  I look forward to many more.  I look forward to helping you figuring out what you are really interested in, and what your talents are.    The way you play is growing and changing too.  You love to color, and read books, and play with your new doll house.  I can't begin to imagine all the things you will learn to do next year.  I love you sweetie.

Mom

Birding with a Big M

I've always loved spring, but Spring seems to be magnified in Omaha, (but that is the subject for another post). Spring means migration. Oh I LOVE the spring migration in Nebraska. As the trees and the flowers come alive so do the birds, and the birding community. And it gets me twitching. Especially because spring also means finals. Finding time to do all the birding I want or even some birding and balance the needs of my family is a challenge. I sneak off now and again, an evening drive to Lincoln here, and an early morning back by 10 quicky there. And then there is trying to bird WITH the kids.

Earlier this week I took Melissa. I didn't really plan on it, but at the last minute I took her. We drove out to Lincoln to see the Pine Warbler. I thought the chances of seeing it with my attention divided were minimal, but 5 min after leaving the car there it was. I not only saw it but had great looks of it, heard it sing, and was able to relocated it twice. After satisfyingly watching it for a few minutes I was able to throw pine cones in the lake with Melissa, took her to the play ground, and the nature center. It was a spectacular park and I had THE BEST time there. I had so much fun with her and the park and the birds. It was a wonderful day.

And then I got cocky.

I figure it worked out so well I would try it again. But this time I had both kids. I had it all planned out, we were going to go for a hike down at Fontenelle, and sit and wait for the woodpecker to come to us. After arriving it took me forever to get the baby in the front back, the back pack full of water, treats, snacks, diapers, wipes and other mommy essentials, on my back, binoculars in hand, and ready to leave when Melissa insisted we look at the horses first. Then informed me she had to pee. There are no bathroom anywhere NEAR where we were. Since I had just gotten ready I did not want to load everything back up into the car: but that is exactly what I should have done.

I thought I could talk her into peeing in the woods. After convincing her there were no bathrooms around which was no small feet we started on the trail. I then tried to get her to go off the trail a little way to go. But she got bonked with the binoculars, and then got into some prickle bushes, and they hurt really bad. Now all she wanted to do was go home, not that I could blame her, but I didn't want to leave on such a negative note. So I convinced her to keep going (by saying we were on a loop and the car was up the trail which wasn't a Total lie). She started having fun but would not leave the trail for fear of more ochy plants and we never did take care of the other problem. I'm sure by this time you can guess the end of the story and no, the mommy backpack did not contain an extra pair of pants, underwear or socks.

On the upside, I gave Missa her own pair of binoculars and she thought that was so cool, and she look stinky cute looking through them the wrong way, we heard a barred owl at 2:00 p.m. and Mia cooed at the trees.

Ah the misadventures of the birding mother of two adorable kids. Maybe one day I will learn but I doubt it.

Little Minds

I love how little minds work.

Yesterday Missa and I were on the floor, I was buying my time until nap-time. Missa decided to watch Mr. Krugers Christmas for her quiet time movie. She picked up the movie and launches into a story only some of which I hear/understood. But it was something about Jesus and getting big, which made sense considering the movie. She then repeated and embellished the story. Then she goes the end, now its time to pray. It took me a minute to figure out but she was playing family home evening, and she was giving the lesson. So the next time I paid more attention to the lesson. I wish I could repeat the story in her vernacular cause it was so cute but the gist of the story was: Jesus Christ, was way sad cuz Heavenly Father left in the car and Jesus had to stay in the house. But they live in Heaven.

I cracked up. I'm still laughing about it.

My nerdy scientific self has been analyzing the conversation ever since. Here's my conclusion. Heavenly Father and Jesus have been introduced and taught to Melissa as people. People in Melissa world, live in houses and drive cars. And like she does with other people she is introduced to she asks where they live. (Grandma lives in Utah, SoandSo lives by the church, soandso lives by Zachary's house etc). She has asked me "where Jesus at" meaning where does He live. I tell her He lives in Heaven. Since we never really talked about what Heaven is, Heaven was just another place. Now it makes sense. But is was so fun to see how her brain is connecting the two ideas. Anyway it was very cute.

My Big M Mystery

Today is a special day. It marks the third year that Melissa has been a wonderful and energetic part of lives. I wasn't there when Melissa was born and so her birthday holds less significance for me other than it might otherwise. But Jan 20th is the day that holds all the memories for me. Jan 20th is the day we got The phone call. It is the day we rushed, holding our breath to the agency. It is the day that I first saw her, that I first held her, that I first learned I was going to me a mother. Jan 2oth is the day we brought her home. It is the day that I thought 'holy crap I have a baby, now what'. Jan 2oth is the day that changed my life forever. And so I want to celebrate Jan 20th.

But Melissa is old enough now to understand birthdays. And we made a big deal about her going on an airplane for her birthday. And even though we didn't do much for her birthday besides the airplane she knows that her birthday has come and gone. So now I need to figure out what to call today. Adoption day? Gottya Day? Lets have a party to celebrate Melissa day? Second birthday? What do you think? What would make the most sense to a three year old?